Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Year of Change

 
I was standing at the kitchen stove stirring dinner when my husband came home.  He walked up to me and started playing a voice mail on his phone.  There was a crazy woman in a screaming rant.  My eyes widened.  I recognized the voice.  It was me. 

I remember that moment.  I was standing on a stool trying to fix something on a shelf above my head.  I was frustrated and when my daughter had interrupted me, my words flew at her like arrows straight to her heart.  She had been trying to call daddy, but when the call went straight to voice mail, it recorded every poisonous word. 

I was embarrassed and humbled.  There is nothing like seeing your failures caught on tape.

That night I cried to my husband.  There is so much that I want to give these children.  So much that I want to be.  I am failing daily. 

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do believe that this year is going to be a year of change for me.  A year of letting go of even more and finding joy unspeakable.  Something new is being stirred in my heart, but for the real work to begin I need to be laid bare. 

I think that ugly moment was what I needed to see.  I am thankful that it was recorded, as much as it hurt, as much as I wish my husband hadn't heard it... it needed to be brought to the light. 

I am weak.  I am a mess.  I can't do this on my own.  But His grace is enough.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.

5 comments:

  1. I view moments like this as God's continuing pursuit of us. He loves us so much that He wants us to see the areas that need to be removed in our lives. The fact that He allowed now to be time to open your eyes to this sinful area is so merciful instead of waiting 2-3 more years while the the roots get stronger and take more a hold of your life. It can be so difficult and humbling but He equips us to what He has called us to do. I know you can overcome this. Not because I know you but because I know Him! Be encouraged by His love and strength. Thank you for being so honest and open with us strangers. That humility is encouraging.

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  2. Oh, Crystal--I hate those lessons. Many blessings to you! His mercies are new every morning, and He is oh so faithful! I always think of how many chapters of Judges begin with the words, "And the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord...." Ugh. My kids have learned alot about forgiveness and grace when I have had to come to them in tears of regtret and brokenness.

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  3. Crystal, just wanted to tell you I love reading your posts. Each time I read,I feel like, "wow, that is me!" I pray that God would work on me in that area as well. God bless you and thank you for sharing your heart!

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  4. Beautiful post! As mothers we all have those moments, but to have them recorded, I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing straight from your heart. It was very encouraging, and a area, I am working on as well. Thanks again for sharing!

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