Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Change of Heart


I was a young mom with 3 kids age 3 and under.  I was tired and overwhelmed.
  I loved my kids...but I was not a joyful mother.

At the time, my husband was working the night shift.  He would come home in the morning and sleep all day.  I would have to have dinner ready by 3pm so we could eat together as a family...and then he would leave for work again.  I was alone and exhausted.

I found myself becoming resentful towards him.  I was up all night with a baby and up all day trying to keep 2 little ones quiet.  It was too hard to leave the house with all of them in tow, and I had to give up everything I loved to do. It just didn't seem fair and life was becoming one big blur of diapers and laundry and needy children.

Then one night I was laying in bed, nursing the baby back to sleep.  The other two had both woken up and climbed into bed with me.  I had elbows poking me in the ribs and little feet kicking me from both sides.  I just let out an exhausted sigh.  I started complaining to God, "I've given up everything!  Now I have to give up my bed too?!"  Then God spoke to my heart words that were so gentle, but cut right through:
"Yes, you have given up a lot...but look at what I've replaced it with."

I looked at the little boy on my left and the little girl on my right and the sweet baby in my arms...and I was just overwhelmed with God's blessings.  My eyes filled with tears and I praised Him and thanked Him -
 truly thanked Him for these beautiful gifts.

I repented for all the wrong attitudes I had had about being a mother.  These children were not a burden!  They were a blessing! 

I was a believer.  I had God's hope and spirit in my life, but I wasn't living like it.  I had bought into the lie that I was just a stay at home mom.  That I was of less worth because I didn't have a career.  That I had given up on my dreams to be nothing more than an unpaid babysitter.
But, they were just that...lies.

God spoke to my heart.  He whispered in His words of Truth.  Children are a blessing from God.  He chose to give them to me.  What a holy responsibility!  I was humbled at the thought of it.

He also showed me how wrong I had been in my resentment toward my husband.  God had given him to me (and me to him) but somehow along the way I had forgotten that.  I now had new respect for him.  He worked so hard to provide for me, to provide for our children, to give me the gift of staying home with them.  But, that was his choice.  There are so many men who don't care, who walk away.

I had a man who would sacrifice everything for his family.  He loves God and he adores me.  He adores me in spite of me.  He listened to me complain every day and he never said a word.  He chose me.  He chose me to be his wife.  He chose me to be the mother of his children.  What had I done to be worthy of that?  I complained about his dirty socks being on the floor.

When he came home the next morning I just cried and cried and asked him to forgive me for not being the wife he deserved. 
God began a work in my heart that day...but He is far from being finished.

I struggle every day.  I lose my patience, I still complain...but I'm trying.  I see my family differently now.  These children are only mine for a little while.  God brought them into our lives and this is where their story begins.  I don't know what He has for them, but I am honored to be their mother. 
 I am humbled that God chose me and I am determined to make every moment count.

9 comments:

  1. I was reading this and thought wow you just told my story...haha. I have been there too and it is hard but knowing that you have a husband who is willing to take care of his family means so much. I have so much more respect for Ed than I ever thought I could. You are so right our children are only ours for a little while...so I am going to cherish this time with them.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. As I look into the years ahead, I pray that I will meet each challenge with the same heart of love and thankfulness.

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  3. Thanks for sharing. I have felt this way too but in a different circumstance. I have two great bonus sons from my husband's first marriage. Shortly after we were married, I started to feel a bit resentful of them because they were taking away from our newlywed time. After feeling tons of guilt, I realized that our boys actually strengthen my marriage by making the small bits of time that my husband and I have together that much more special.

    How blessed you were to realize so soon that your children were a real blessing. Many parents realize that too late.

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  4. "God brought them into our lives and this is where their story begins." I love this. God let me set up my kids for the rest of their lives. Scary as all-get-out, but what a holy entrustment! You verbalize your (and often, my) heart so well.
    Tip: Do not read your post while pms'ing. (Wiping puddles off my computer desk.)

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  5. Your story is the same story for the majority of this worlds mothers. The mothers of ol' and all the mother's yet to come. Thank you for sharing your inspired words of encouragement! Thank God for his faithfulness to meet us in these moments of dispair and renew our spirits with words of Truth. "Yes, you have given up a lot...but look at what I've replaced it with." I just may make a sign of this God-given quote for my living room wall... to remind me in THOSE moments.

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  6. Thank you Alicia! You just made my day! :)

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  7. Thanks for sharing Crystal. Justice is just 6 months and although I love being home with her it is hard sometimes and I wonder if I should of kept teaching and then money wouldn't be so tight...but I am filled with a sense of responsiblity bc God gave her to us and there isn't anywhere else I would rather be no matter what the cost. I have often wondering how you mother so many with such grace! Thanks:)

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  8. Thanks, Crystal! What a wonderful blog!

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