A Change of Heart

I was a young mom with 3 kids age 3 and under.  I was tired and overwhelmed.

  I loved my kids...but I was not a joyful mother.

At the time, my husband was working the night shift.  He would come home in the morning and sleep all day.  I would have to have dinner ready by 3pm so we could eat together as a family...and then he would leave for work again.  I was alone and exhausted.

I found myself becoming resentful towards him.  I was up all night with a baby and up all day trying to keep 2 little ones quiet.  It was too hard to leave the house with all of them in tow, and I had to give up everything I loved to do. It just didn't seem fair and life was becoming one big blur of diapers and laundry and needy children.

Then one night I was laying in bed, nursing the baby back to sleep.  The other two had both woken up and climbed into bed with me.  I had elbows poking me in the ribs and little feet kicking me from both sides.  I just let out an exhausted sigh.  I started complaining to God, "I've given up everything!  Now I have to give up my bed too?!"  Then God spoke to my heart words that were so gentle, but cut right through:

"Yes, you have given up a lot...but look at what I've replaced it with."

I looked at the little boy on my left and the little girl on my right and the sweet baby in my arms...and I was just overwhelmed with God's blessings.  My eyes filled with tears and I praised Him and thanked Him -

 truly thanked Him for these beautiful gifts.

I repented for all the wrong attitudes I had had about being a mother.  These children were not a burden!  They were a blessing! 

I was a believer.  I had God's hope and spirit in my life, but I wasn't living like it.  I had bought into the lie that I was just a stay at home mom.  That I was of less worth because I didn't have a career.  That I had given up on my dreams to be nothing more than an unpaid babysitter.

But, they were just that...lies.

God spoke to my heart.  He whispered in His words of Truth.  Children are a blessing from God.  He chose to give them to me.  What a holy responsibility!  I was humbled at the thought of it.

He also showed me how wrong I had been in my resentment toward my husband.  God had given him to me (and me to him) but somehow along the way I had forgotten that.  I now had new respect for him.  He worked so hard to provide for me, to provide for our children, to give me the gift of staying home with them.  But, that was his choice.  There are so many men who don't care, who walk away.

I had a man who would sacrifice everything for his family.  He loves God and he adores me.  He adores me in spite of me.  He listened to me complain every day and he never said a word.  He chose me.  He chose me to be his wife.  He chose me to be the mother of his children.  What had I done to be worthy of that?  I complained about his dirty socks being on the floor.

When he came home the next morning I just cried and cried and asked him to forgive me for not being the wife he deserved. 

God began a work in my heart that day...but He is far from being finished.

I struggle every day.  I lose my patience, I still complain...but I'm trying.  I see my family differently now.  These children are only mine for a little while.  God brought them into our lives and this is where their story begins.  I don't know what He has for them, but I am honored to be their mother. 

 I am humbled that God chose me and I am determined to make every moment count.