All I Need

My first day home alone with all 6 children felt like a bit of a disaster.  Everyone needed me and there was never enough.

I wasn't trying to do it all, but with even the bare necessities of life I felt like a failure.  I hadn't showered or eaten.  I yelled...a lot.  I even burned the kids' lunch while I was nursing the baby.

Then my husband walked in the door and I burst into tears.  He had stopped by during his lunch break to check on me and just seeing him brought so much relief, but I was also embarrassed.  I felt like I should be better at this.

Maybe I cried out of exhaustion or my hormones, or maybe it was the fear that maybe I just can't do this.

The next day my mother came over to help me.  She brought me a list titled "10 Real Helps for Really Busy Moms"  by Ann Voskamp of One Thousand Gifts.

I placed it on my refrigerator and have been reading it throughout my busy, overwhelming days. They are all encouraging, but here are two of my favorite quotes:

Homemaking is about making a home, not about making perfection.  A perfect home is an authentic, creative, animated space where Peace and Christ and Beauty are embraced. (Perfect does not equate to immaculate.)

Believe it:  I have all I need for today.  The needs of our day are great, but God is greater and we call him Providence because we believe: He always provides. (And when God provides, He should be praised, and if God always provides, shouldn't praise always be on the lips?)

My days are still crazy.  The laundry is piled up and there are dirty dishes in my sink.  But I'm taking it slow.  There is a sweet baby in my arms and love and laughter in our home.  This moment won't last forever and soon life will feel normal again...our new normal.

Worth the Wait

10 days overdue and 29 hours of labor later...our sweet baby boy is finally here!  Weighing 8 lbs 2 oz and 20 3/4 inches long.

Still Waiting...

Our baby is now a week overdue.  I've never gone this late before and it's wearing me out.  Waiting just feels like such a useless place.  This week I have to make some decisions about being induced or just continuing to wait.  I have a lot of fear and nervousness, but also a peace...it just isn't time yet.

My husband handed me his Bible earlier this week.  I opened it to the bookmark and read the verses he had underlined for me.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.   ~Isaiah 41:10, 13

Tears filled my eyes.  This was what I needed to hear.  All this time I have been saying that I've trusted God, and I have, but as a God at a distance.  He is the creator of the universe, I know He has a plan and I know that nothing is impossible for Him.  Obviously, this baby is His plan and He has perfect timing, even if I don't understand it.

 But then to read it in a more personal way...He will take me by the hand and help me through this, through the tough days, through the tears, through this birth how ever it happens.  That brought me so much comfort.

Waiting...

On the eve of my due date I am sitting here feeling much like a mother hen patiently waiting on her nest.  I have a peace that this baby will come at the right time.  I'm not in a hurry to put myself into labor, I know that every day of my child's life is planned in God's heart, especially his birthday. 

But I also feel like a bit of a ticking time bomb...it could be any day now and it makes me scared to leave the house.  I've been getting phone calls every day from friends and family waiting for the news...only for me to disappoint them with the reality that nothing is happening...yet.

And so we wait...

I did finish my baby blanket...and then a hat and pair of booties. 



Today I have been obsessively nesting, so maybe that's a good sign.  I just don't know what else to do with myself.