The Little Years

This week I held a friend's newborn baby.  All the beauty of new life wrapped up in pink.  Her tiny hands moved in slow motion and wrapped around my finger.  She slept in perfect peace.  Her newborn smell, the softest skin...there is nothing sweeter than a baby.

Then I looked over at my baby.  Walking and climbing and full of personality, he will turn one year old this month.  Where did my sweet newborn go?

Recently my husband and I made this growth chart for our children.

 

As I transferred their measurements to the new chart, I found myself holding back tears.  It was like watching them grow up all over again.

It was hard to remember my older ones when they only came up to my knee.  I looked at my little ones knowing that they are growing just as fast.

Every day the kids back up to the chart and measure each other to see how much they have grown in a day.  All I want to do is hold on tight and keep them little.

Yes, these days are long, but the years are flying by.

My husband and I do talk about the future.  We dream of the days when the children are independent and it's just us again.  But we also want to live fully in this moment.  These little years have been overflowing with joy and laughter.  They have kept us busy, running non-stop on little sleep.  But these years have taught us so much about ourselves and our love.

I know they will be over before we know it.  There is so much that I want to teach my children, so much I want for them.  I find myself scrambling, feeling like this precious time is slipping away.

But that's where I cling to grace.

I fail them.  I don't have the answers...or the patience.  I may run out of time before they fly.  But I'm holding on to God's promise that His grace is enough.

"All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children."  ~Isaiah 54:13

Our Everyday Fairy Tale

We don't celebrate Valentine's day.  We used to and I don't really remember when we stopped.  Our anniversary was always much more special to us.  It was a day to reminisce and remember why we chose each other.  A day that was just for us, that we didn't have to share with all the other couples in America.  And so, Valentine's day just became less and less important.

I honestly never thought about it until this year.  This year I threw myself a big ol' pity party.

My friends were sharing all their plans with me.  All the extravagant dates and romantic getaways.  I cringed at the thought of all the facebook statuses with photos of their gifts and nights out.

I complained to my husband. It didn't seem fair.  Everyone else was getting swept away to the ball and I was left at home to scrub the floor.  My night would be just like every other night: big, messy and loud with our half-dozen running around....

He cut me off.  "Do you hear yourself?!", my eyes grew wide, "Do you really want to be like them, do you really want their life?  Because this is our life and I love our life together.  I don't want what everyone else has.  I want you."

He always speaks the truth to me.  He has a way of holding up a mirror to my heart and showing me all the ugliness that doesn't belong.  He knows me.  He knows who I really am and he knows when I need to be put in my place.

The truth is he spoils me.  He spoils me so much that I have taken it for granted.

 He gives me flowers...just because.  He brings home little surprises all the time.  He tells me I'm beautiful every day and kisses me like he means it.  He writes me love letters, though words don't come easy for him.  He holds my hand every time we sit together, no matter where we are. He prays for me and cherishes me.

I was jealous of how others were spending one day and forgetting the beauty of my life that is full of love.

Our love story is so precious to me.  It may not always be pretty and over the top romantic, but it's ours.  It's an everyday fairy tale.

A Year of Change

 

I was standing at the kitchen stove stirring dinner when my husband came home.  He walked up to me and started playing a voice mail on his phone.  There was a crazy woman in a screaming rant.  My eyes widened.  I recognized the voice.  It was me. 

I remember that moment.  I was standing on a stool trying to fix something on a shelf above my head.  I was frustrated and when my daughter had interrupted me, my words flew at her like arrows straight to her heart.  She had been trying to call daddy, but when the call went straight to voice mail, it recorded every poisonous word. 

I was embarrassed and humbled.  There is nothing like seeing your failures caught on tape.

That night I cried to my husband.  There is so much that I want to give these children.  So much that I want to be.  I am failing daily. 

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do believe that this year is going to be a year of change for me.  A year of letting go of even more and finding joy unspeakable.  Something new is being stirred in my heart, but for the real work to begin I need to be laid bare. 

I think that ugly moment was what I needed to see.  I am thankful that it was recorded, as much as it hurt, as much as I wish my husband hadn't heard it... it needed to be brought to the light. 

I am weak.  I am a mess.  I can't do this on my own.  But His grace is enough.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Peace

This past weekend I had just walked into a busy store when a flashing red light caught my eye.

Only 17 days until Christmas!

I stopped for a moment and stared at the sign.  Instantly my mind went to my to-do list, all the gifts I planned to make, all the money I don't have yet to spend, all the dozens of cookies I have to bake...and then the panic set in.

I dodged the other shoppers' carts as I made my way to the craft section.  I was here to buy fabric to make stockings.  Some how when I unpacked our Christmas decorations, our family of 8 only had 4.  Every year I say I will make more, but I never get to it. 

I touched every shade of felt and flannel trying to find the perfect one.  My husband looked overwhelmed. 

"Why don't we just buy stockings?"

"No." I protested, "They are going to be family heirlooms.  I can just make them.  Look I'll make matching ones for everyone...I can embroider our names on them...and what if I applique felt shapes on them...like angels for the girls and shepherds for the boys, and ours could have Mary and Joseph and....."

"I'm going to look in the Christmas section", and he walked away from me.

He found stockings for $6 and each kid picked out a color.  Done.

I wrinkled my nose.  They weren't perfect, but I gave in.  I had too many other things to do anyway.

~~~

Earlier this season I had promised myself that I wasn't going to stress out this year.  I wanted to enjoy Christmas.  I have spent so many Decembers trying to do it all that I have missed the joy.

How did I let this happen again?  I let myself get caught up in my to-do list. 

I shook it off.  No.  This year I will keep it simple.

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law about this:
"I don't want to bake you cookies", I confessed.

"I promise I won't bake you any cookies either!"  We laughed at our ridiculous deal, but I think we both breathed a sigh of relief.  Freedom.

I realized that I don't have to do anything.  My overachieving is not helping anyone.

What did the angels sing?
"Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth PEACE to men on whom His favor rests"  Luke 2:14

Peace.  When was the last time someone described the Christmas season as peaceful?

Christmas is not an emergency.  Christmas is a gift.

This year I am craving a gentle and quiet spirit.  I am choosing to rest in His peace and share in His joy.  I still have a to-do list, but it's not a "have to-do list", it's what I choose to do.

I am going to bake cookies with my children, and let them eat all the pretty ones.

I am going to give freely without worry if it's enough.

I am going to focus on the moments that make Christmas so special and leave out the things that distract me. 

Am I worried that people might be offended by this?  A little, but I think that if I am feeling this way, then they probably are too.  Maybe we all need to just be honest with each other, take a deep breath, and just calm down. 

I want to look towards Christmas with child-like anticipation, not overwhelming worries and stress.  Keeping it simple doesn't mean it will be empty.  We can still have a very full Christmas, just one that is full of the things that really matter.