A Year of Change

 

I was standing at the kitchen stove stirring dinner when my husband came home.  He walked up to me and started playing a voice mail on his phone.  There was a crazy woman in a screaming rant.  My eyes widened.  I recognized the voice.  It was me. 

I remember that moment.  I was standing on a stool trying to fix something on a shelf above my head.  I was frustrated and when my daughter had interrupted me, my words flew at her like arrows straight to her heart.  She had been trying to call daddy, but when the call went straight to voice mail, it recorded every poisonous word. 

I was embarrassed and humbled.  There is nothing like seeing your failures caught on tape.

That night I cried to my husband.  There is so much that I want to give these children.  So much that I want to be.  I am failing daily. 

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do believe that this year is going to be a year of change for me.  A year of letting go of even more and finding joy unspeakable.  Something new is being stirred in my heart, but for the real work to begin I need to be laid bare. 

I think that ugly moment was what I needed to see.  I am thankful that it was recorded, as much as it hurt, as much as I wish my husband hadn't heard it... it needed to be brought to the light. 

I am weak.  I am a mess.  I can't do this on my own.  But His grace is enough.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Peace

This past weekend I had just walked into a busy store when a flashing red light caught my eye.

Only 17 days until Christmas!

I stopped for a moment and stared at the sign.  Instantly my mind went to my to-do list, all the gifts I planned to make, all the money I don't have yet to spend, all the dozens of cookies I have to bake...and then the panic set in.

I dodged the other shoppers' carts as I made my way to the craft section.  I was here to buy fabric to make stockings.  Some how when I unpacked our Christmas decorations, our family of 8 only had 4.  Every year I say I will make more, but I never get to it. 

I touched every shade of felt and flannel trying to find the perfect one.  My husband looked overwhelmed. 

"Why don't we just buy stockings?"

"No." I protested, "They are going to be family heirlooms.  I can just make them.  Look I'll make matching ones for everyone...I can embroider our names on them...and what if I applique felt shapes on them...like angels for the girls and shepherds for the boys, and ours could have Mary and Joseph and....."

"I'm going to look in the Christmas section", and he walked away from me.

He found stockings for $6 and each kid picked out a color.  Done.

I wrinkled my nose.  They weren't perfect, but I gave in.  I had too many other things to do anyway.

~~~

Earlier this season I had promised myself that I wasn't going to stress out this year.  I wanted to enjoy Christmas.  I have spent so many Decembers trying to do it all that I have missed the joy.

How did I let this happen again?  I let myself get caught up in my to-do list. 

I shook it off.  No.  This year I will keep it simple.

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law about this:
"I don't want to bake you cookies", I confessed.

"I promise I won't bake you any cookies either!"  We laughed at our ridiculous deal, but I think we both breathed a sigh of relief.  Freedom.

I realized that I don't have to do anything.  My overachieving is not helping anyone.

What did the angels sing?
"Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth PEACE to men on whom His favor rests"  Luke 2:14

Peace.  When was the last time someone described the Christmas season as peaceful?

Christmas is not an emergency.  Christmas is a gift.

This year I am craving a gentle and quiet spirit.  I am choosing to rest in His peace and share in His joy.  I still have a to-do list, but it's not a "have to-do list", it's what I choose to do.

I am going to bake cookies with my children, and let them eat all the pretty ones.

I am going to give freely without worry if it's enough.

I am going to focus on the moments that make Christmas so special and leave out the things that distract me. 

Am I worried that people might be offended by this?  A little, but I think that if I am feeling this way, then they probably are too.  Maybe we all need to just be honest with each other, take a deep breath, and just calm down. 

I want to look towards Christmas with child-like anticipation, not overwhelming worries and stress.  Keeping it simple doesn't mean it will be empty.  We can still have a very full Christmas, just one that is full of the things that really matter.

The Promise

We celebrated our 10th anniversary at home, caring for a sick baby who cried until midnight.  It was hard for me to let go of that date night with my husband.  It is such a rare thing.  But we needed to be there for our little one. 

We stayed up late, taking turns in the rocking chair.  We talked in between his screams and breathing treatments.  It wasn't the romantic evening we had planned...but maybe this was what we needed more. 

I'll be honest.  I cried a lot.  It didn't seem fair.  The one day a year that is just for us...and our 10th, it was supposed to be special.  I had a huge pity party for myself, even this morning I still found myself in tears. 

Then my husband lovingly put me in my place.  He has a way of speaking the honest truth that cuts right through me.  I needed that.  I needed to remember what our marriage is all about.

Our anniversary was a celebration of our life.  Our whole life.  This big, loud, messy life is ours. 

10 years ago we promised to choose love in the good times and bad...through the sickness and health. 
 

In honor of our 10th anniversary...

...I tried on my wedding dress.

Digging through my hope chest brought back so many memories.  There under the baby books and photo albums, was the dress I wore on my wedding day.  It's simple and white, but it was perfect.  It made his eyes light up. 

I slipped it on, not sure what I was expecting.  It was 10 years and 6 babies ago since I had last worn it.  I zipped it up and smiled in the mirror.  It fit.  Granted it was much tighter than I remember...but still, it fit.  I did a little twirl, because I just couldn't help myself and walked out to show my husband.

His eyes still light up.

I spun around for him and we danced in the living room.  We added more beautiful memories to that dress.

Our daughter woke up and walked into the room.  Her eyes grew wide and her smile grew wider.  "Mommy, you look like a princess!"

 I felt like a princess.  We all deserve that once in a while.